You hear the inviting click of the key in the lock, and you quickly push open your front door. Without missing a beat, you’re in the kitchen, making your son’s favorite spaghetti bolognese. For the next thirty minutes, you slave over dinner, perfecting the simmer of the marinara sauce and getting the al dente pasta just right. You yell for your son to come down for dinner as you set out the silverware.
After a few seconds, you hear the trotting of his footsteps down the stairs. He plops down in his seat as you slide the steaming plates onto the table. You pick up your fork and spear a piece of your culinary masterpiece.
“So, how did your math test go?” you ask.
His eyes flit to meet yours. A split-second later, they’re trained on his pasta again.
“Umm, it went fine,” he mumbles.
“OK,” you say, not sure what to make of the response. “What did you get?”
“It’s not important,” he responds. He starts shoveling spaghetti into his mouth. “Listen, after dinner, I’m going to go to the skatepark. I’m so close to getting this trick nailed.”
“James, what did you get on your math exam?” You pry.
“I got a D, okay?” He bursts out as he practically leaps out of his chair. “I’m getting my skateboard.”
“No, you’re not! You’re going to go upstairs and study for your next exam! James, you cannot fail this class!”
After a few charged retorts, he’ll eventually storm upstairs to do his work at your insistence. While this approach may work a few times, he fundamentally doesn’t understand the importance of his homework and perceives it as an irritating roadblock between him and skateboarding.
You’re risking fracturing your kid's relationship with his studies and, perhaps more importantly, with you.
Letting Go Without Letting Down
Let’s pretend for a second your homework-averse adolescent is once again a see-saw-loving toddler. You synchronize your bends and jumps as you play together. The sun dances on his chubby cheeks as you two relish your playground games.
Now, imagine that you put all the effort into the see-saw. Your calf muscles strain as you laser-focus on keeping your kid as high up as possible. You’ve ruined the see-saw. His chubby toddler legs dangle far from the ground, helpless. He whines for you to let him try. You refuse. He might not do it right; better to keep the childish antics in your control.
You’ve taken a two-player game and made it a single-player one. Worse yet, you didn’t even make it into your kid’s game.
On the other hand, imagine if you ran away from the See-Saw of Control. Your kid leaps up and down, face flushed with happiness as they near the sky. You suddenly feel doubt; what if you’re doing too much? Will they be able to manage the see-saw with others when you’re not around? As fear trickles through your veins, you activate your fight-or-flight response. In a flash, you leap up and sprint as fast as you can away from the see-saw.
If, in a few seconds, you were to spin on your heels as you realized your mistake, you would see your toddler weeping alone on a see-saw. Moments ago, he thought he could reach the radiant sun. Now, down like Icarus, he’s fallen. He tries in vain to generate momentum with no partner, but he is clueless about where to start.
Just like a real see-saw, you can’t provide so much help that you hijack your kid’s learning opportunities. The more effort, nagging, and insistence you contribute, the less proactive your kid will be.
However, you also can’t run away when they need your help. If they are struggling and want a tutor or need help managing distractions, you can’t abandon them.
You must balance your parental involvement and your kid’s involvement to play the “see-saw” of raising a child
What next?
Like many parents, you probably err towards the first extreme. You’ve gone through the “finding yourself” stage before, and you figure you can help (or at the very least expedite) your child's journey. You simply want the best for your kid.
However, the most important parenting role is helping your kid get wherever they want to be.
You need balance on the See-Saw of Control, but your kid has to ask to play first. He has to be the one to give the first push; you’re just there to help him keep playing for as long as he wants to. The see-saw isn’t for your benefit, after all. You’re only playing for their sake.
Here’s where self-directed learning can help. Self-directed learning encourages children to take charge of their own education. Kids schedule their own time and set their own goals because they are excited to learn.
I’ll be diving into more specific parenting strategies next week; see you there!